What I Found Behind The Sun

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

GAWWWDD!!
I understand that I should be a little more understanding and compassionated towards my mom.... especially after everything that she went through with my dad... but it gets a little exhausting sometimes to have to be put in the middle. Grams tells me I need to understand that she's still hurt and that is why she seems bitter towards men, and towards marriage at times, but I still think that is no reason to talk about Luis OR my marriage.
For example, the DAY we got married, and I'm talking about that very morning... her advice for me was "Honey, I wish you all the best of luck, but remember when you change your mind, that's why they invented divorce." WHO SAYS THAT?! On the day of my wedding??
Still I didn't say anything because it hadn't been more than a couple of months from when my parents separated, so I knew it was coming from that hurt she felt. But Luis and I are going to be married two years this August and my mom is still talking about him as if he's just like every other guy, and as if ALL guys are evil. She's constantly telling me to "take care of myself, and be careful not to get pregnant" and it's not for any other reason except for the fact that "it will be harder to leave him once I have kids"... why can't she say something good or positive? Why can't she believe that its going to work between us?
Now, every time I talk to my mom, (and I kind of feel bad about this) I change the subject whenever Luis or my dad come up in a conversation, and if she insists on talking about either one I just turn the speaker on, put the phone down, play a game on the computer and let her talk.. I'm just getting tired of hearing bad things about Luis, especially when out of ALL of her son-in-laws, Luis is by far the better man.
Which brings me to the latest drama in the __________'s family. My sister and her husband have split. This past weekend she finally said IT'S OVER and I can't believe it took her this long. Who would stay with a man who kicks you out of the house at 3:00 a.m when you're 8 months pregnant and its cold and raining outside. My sister had to walk 2 and a half miles from her house to our house that night because he said he didn't want her anymore! Two days later she went back... A better question would have been who would go with a man who tells your parents in person "I don't want her for that long, I just want her for a little while and after that you can have her back"... Seriously, those were his words the day my sister moved out to go live with him. That was about 5 yrs. ago, and that night was the night my dad cried the hardest.
Anyway, apparently over the past year my sister's husband met and started a relationship with another woman. They are now expecting a baby together, and this was the last straw for my sister. After all she has wanted to have another baby for a couple of years now, but he would always tell her if she got pregnant again, he would leave her.
At this point, I seriously don't know what to expect when I go visit my family.... time is moving so fast now and its about a month now before I see them again!

For some good news... I've just about finished my projects for the South Park themed swap on Ravelry as well as the Roald Dahl swap. I still have to finish up the Dr. Seuss swap so if ANYONE OUT THERE has any ideas please let me know! I'm also going to be working on the hats for the hat exchange this weekend which should be easy peasy! Oh and I have convinced Luis that I NEED to spin my own yarn. I'm sure I'll figure out how to use a drop spindle..... and there are just so many yummy fibers and colors out there that I just want to get my hands on!
But for now its just a dream. Hopefully next month I'll be closer to that dream!

It started with Alex.
I wish I could say he is a great guy but the cold hard truth is that he is not. I remember a time when he used to be, but slowly he changed and became this heartless, uncaring jerk who uses women and looks out only for himself. But no matter how bad he was there was one girl who always believed in him, and loved him. The only girl who could see the real Alex, the smart, caring Alex.
Kiki always had his back, and NEVER took anyone's side over Alex's, after all she was his baby sister.
Alex's most recent discarded girl is a girl named Sofie. Sofie fell for Alex's fake charm, believing that he truly loved her. She cared for him and trusted him, not knowing just how bad she would be hurt in the end. The relationship was over before I got a chance to know her, but not before Alex broke her heart. Just like he always has, he found someone else who interested him and before ending one relationship he began a new one.
This is when things between Kiki and Alex began to fall apart. Kiki had always taken Alex's side over any heartbroken girl and sadly this time was no different. But there was something different about this time. This time, the new girl Alex had found was Myra. Kiki's closest friend in the entire world. Suddenly Kiki was stuck right in the middle not knowing which way to turn and hoping she would never have to make that decision.
For a while it seemed Alex had found the girl who would melt his heart and make him change his way. Unfortunately, this time was no different than any other time and Myra was just another girl for Alex to play with until someone better came along.
However, Alex did not find a new girl, instead he began wooing Sofie again, the girl who was still recovering from her recent heartbreak with Alex. Of course she fell for his fake charm again, after all Alex knows just what to say to make a girl fall in love. Unaware of his current relationship with Myra, Sofie allowed herself to fall in love with Alex once more, believing that this time he would change and be true to her. 
Kiki was now forced to choose between the one man she thought held the moon and the girl who had stuck with through all of her hardships. I know you might think she once again chose Alex, but you're wrong. This time Alex had crossed a line, and she stuck with Myra. But was it her responsibility to tell Myra the truth about Alex? 
Kiki decided to confront Alex before things got any more complicated, asking him to please come clean and fix things before he destroyed her friendship with Myra. But Alex was not about to make himself look bad voluntarily, so he did what no one ever thought he would do. He broke the heart of the only girl who ever believed in him. 
As if things could not get any worse for the people involved, it came to light that Sofie was now carrying Alex's baby. With everyone involved taking sides, Sofie was left to stand alone. What about Alex? Alex denies having anything to do with Sofie or being responsible for Sofie's baby. 
Surprisingly, Myra was made aware of Sofie and her current condition and still decided to stick with Alex. Personally I believe that both Sofie and Myra are too good for Alex, but like I said, Alex knows what to say to make a girl fall in love. After all, I've seen him do it countless times, and regardless of the fact that he is my brother, I think most any girl is too good for this boy.

I did recently speak with "Sofie" and she confirmed that she was in fact pregnant and could not understand why "Alex" was denying her baby. My sister says she'll support her in any way and be there for "Sofie" and the baby. After all this is going to be our niece or nephew! I do hope she decides to keep the baby and that my brother will do the right thing. And as for "Myra" I think she'll stick around until she realizes this situation is too much for her to handle. After all how many girls can watch their boyfriends have a baby with someone else?
Will the drama never end? 

Seriously, I think that my brain has turned into a giant pile of mush and I don't even want to get up and walk over to pour myself a glass of water. .... this past year, I think, has been the hardest one for me for the simple fact that I do NOTHING. I really do wish that I could get out there and be a productive member of society, but apparently even after 20 years of residing in this country, doing numerous charity projects, excelling in school and work, and really just going above and beyond to help others I'm not worthy of being considered anything other than what some people call a "criminal".

But since my husband is now in the process of getting is citizenship and of course being in the Air Force, I have to maintain under the "radar" and not do anything that could affect him in a negative way... which leaves me sitting at home letting my brain turn into mush.

But now I think its time to turn off the talking box and DO SOMETHING! I know that if I was back in LA it would be a lot easier for me to still get around and be active, but since I'm in Delaware and don’t drive I have to be creative and find a different way to maintain from developing cabin fever. So... yesterday I rearranged my furniture (which turned out to be a GREAT start) and now I have to find a way to keep myself busy. YES, knitting is a very fun distraction from the talking box but I've actually started working on my yard and these last few days have been nice to be outside. Now I'm in the process of clearing out my closets and I'm trying to find a place to take all of this stuff. (A lot of it is stuff I had left over from Christmas)

I've also rediscovered music! I have various play lists saved on my computer that I'd forgotten about, and even though it is a little embarrassing I can't seem to stop singing and dancing all around my house! It actually feels good to be up and about! Also, I've started writing again and now I'm even updating my blog, which I rarely did because I didn't really know what I should write. I mean who needs to hear how many times I've watched the same rerun shows over and over...

Now... I'll be sorting out the last of the details for my special project "True Beauty Scarves". There are so many wonderful and talented people working on them and have even completed a couple of them. I really have to say that I'm so amazed and impressed by how these women who I know little about are willing to help and put in their own time to help victims of domestic abuse. I really think this is going to be an ongoing project and I hope that more people like that will surface and create wonderful pieces of art that will be appreciated.

 

And its all because I decided to turn off the EVIL talking box!

Ok, so it didn't kill any cat (at least not one that I know of), but it did injure my frying pan! But of course I just had to satisfy my curiosity! And now I have this dented pan.... oh how sad...
Still I'll tell you how THIS happened. Luis's friend Jacob came over this past Sunday so they could watch the gam together and brought over some beer. Since Luis wants to try "different" beers, J thought it would be nice to bring over some nice Guinness beer. 

But I kept hearing this weird sound in the bottle, so I just had to find out what was in it.... so my GREAT IDEA was of course "break the bottle!" But the stupid bottle wouldn't break, and after trying to smash it, Luis says let me try. That is when it happened. He took out the frying pan and brought it down hard on the bottle! ..... in the end? I got a dented pan and a bottle that wouldnt break....

Oh but I did get what I wanted in the end... with some perseverance and a pair of tweezers... and now boys and girls, HERE is what I went through all that trouble for...
I know... Sad. really.

What makes a person truly beautiful? Is it the clothes they wear? The way they look? Their attitude, or their outlook on life? Beauty is always being debated, and society is always coming up with new criteria to determine who is really beautiful and who is not. The new show "True Beauty" takes 10 different people who are competing to be the ultimate true beauty, but they don't realize that what they are being judged on is their inner beauty. I think this is a great concept to show people that even though your physically beautiful it doesn’t count for anything if your insides are rotten. So I want to take this concept, maybe tweak it a little bit, and apply it to what I love. Knitting! So for anyone who's interested (and still reading) here is what I want to do. Basically, those who choose to join in or participate will contribute a scrap of yarn that was leftover from a previous project that was recently made. The amount of yarn should be enough to knit 3-5 inches on a 5 inch-wide scarf. With it the contributor will include a short letter or postcard with this:

My name is ____your name_________.
This yarn is from ___yarn brand_______, it was leftover from ____project name____ which was created for ___who was it for?___. I consider this project to be special because ____why was it special?___ I hope my contribution will help a truly remarkable and beautiful person!
Sincerely, 
___your name_____
 

The finished scarf (or hopefully scarves!) will then be sold off auction style with 100% of the money going to the Support Network for Battered Women. www.snbw.com
I hope that there will be at least a couple of people that will show some kind of interest, and hopefully we'll be able to make a nice contribution to SNBW, and a chance to create a unique and truly beautiful scarf!

This is what I have in mind right now, but of course if you there are any tips, ideas, etc. feel free to share them. The scarves would be made by people who volunteer their time of course. At first, I thought I would do this myself because the last project I did, most of the people bailed out on me…. but I’m hoping that ravelry members wont be so rude. The yarn would be put into one of 3 categories:

worsted weight

novelty

striping

I’m sure that some of the yarn will fit into more than one of these, and if you have suggestions let me know. Then of course the yarn would be given to the person who volunteered to put together the final scarf. In my opinion the yarn would not have to be machine washable because the scarves would be more as a show piece than as a convenience piece, if I’m making sense. A picture should be taken of the scarves as they progress and that picture will be attached to it’s rightful card. There should be at least 15 cards with each finished scarf which will be sent to the auction winner to show how the scarf was made and what each piece means to each person who contributed. How does that sound?

With the new year only minutes away, I'm forced to reminisce on this past year. The good, the bad and the ugly. While I can say that I had some good times this past year, I think that 2008 was definitely not my year, and I'm definitely not sad to see the year end. So I thought that for 2009 I would start fresh.... forget my bad days, my shortcomings and my heartaches. They say that you'll start the new year the way you ended the old year, for example if you're working when the new year comes you'll be working all year long. If you're sad and feeling heartache when the new year comes then of course you'll have nothing BUT heartaches all year long, and so on and so forth. So of course, for the last week or so I've been preparing myself for the new year, planning and prepping... making sure I'm healthy, happy and of working.
But now with just minutes away from the new year I find myself in tears and cant help but wonder "will the rest of the year be this way?", you see I just found out my dad is having an even worst year than I am. Even though he's been trying to pick himself up and work hard to be able to survive, he hasnt had the best of luck... and now, I find that he's been living on the street. Of course now he has an old beat up truck that doesn't really run, but at least it gives him a place to sleep at night... and this.... just breaks my heart.
My dad hasn't been the best father he could be over the years, but as a daughter I've learned to forgive him for his mistakes and learned to accept him for who he his. Although I dont agree with some of the choices that he's made over the years, I know that he tried the best that he knew how to raise us properly and over these last few years he's tried even harder to make up for the past. They say that you have to be a parent before you can forgive them, but I dont believe that. I think that if everyone waited to be parents then the world would be an even uglier place, with people everywhere holding on to unnecessary grudges.  
So now here I am, awaiting the new year, wondering what the future holds for me and my family. Will it bring me happiness? Love? Joy? Wealth?
Perhaps... and perhaps not, but if I dwell on the bad times then all I will have is bad times. So even though I sit here with a broken heart that cries out for my dad, I think I'll welcome the new year with a smile and pray that 2009 will bring us both health and happiness if nothing else. Perhaps this year I'll find that job I've been praying for, and perhaps the Lord will bring a miracle into our lives. Either way, I'll smile and shout HAPPY NEW YEAR!